Every day I drive through Baltimore on my way to or from work or just during the course of my travels. I see a lot of people down on their luck in the way of the impoverished, homeless, beggars, or obviously just those who don’t have a very good hand in life at the moment. One of the questions that always goes through my mind is this: “Did this man or woman really have it that badly in life? Or did they bring this circumstance on their self?”
I tend to believe more likely than not that people bring things on themselves. I know because I’ve made poor choices in the past that came back to haunt me later. But I also am cognizant of my poor choices, take inventory and analysis of them, and then try to press forward a better and more improved person.
The really sad part about this is that I see the same 3 or 4 beggars on the median on my way into Baltimore city every day. Not only do I believe that they have relegated themselves to this fate by the consequences of their own choices, but that they are resigned to stay in the same position by not changing what they have done and are doing to get there in the first place. I don’t know or judge these people for their character because I don’t know them and they seem to be content begging for money and basically just barely getting by on the pity of others. But I do know that there are many people far more capable than these “beggars” that aren’t too far from the same fate themselves.
A good friend of mine, who I have mentioned before on this blog, is the same way. This guy could have had the world at his fingertips. He had looks, was somewhat intelligent in school, and was very socially calibrated. But he wasn’t willing to put in the extra effort or commit to anything, drowned himself in alcoholism, and blames everybody but himself for his problems. I even tried to help him but he took the help just as a beggar would a quarter.
Think about that for a second. What happens when you give a beggar change? Are you really helping that person in ANY WAY whatsoever? In my experience, the answer is a big fat NO. A little back story to this: When I was a bit younger, any time panhandlers asked me for change I was about 50-50 on whether I’d give them some or not. Sometimes I would give them some, sometimes not. I didn’t like giving it to them, but if I felt generous in the moment and I had some spare change I would do it.
The turning point in me not doing this any more came in a moment of generosity. One day as I was walking out of a store, a panhandler approached me and asked me “Hey man, can I get some change?” I had a handful of change after just making some small purchase and figured I’d help the guy out. So after being charitable and giving the guy a little money, the next words out of his mouth shocked me. “Hey man, let me get a couple of dollars.”
I was seriously taken aback as I realized what had happened. By giving this loser a little money I had only taught him that he could successfully do nothing of value in this world, ask those who have to take pity on him and give a handout and then maybe even ask for a little more! I refused to give him any more money and I have refused to give money to beggars since that day.
Now back to my friend. He was much the same way as this wayward beggar. He would do next to nothing in the way of productivity, get into all kinds of trouble with substance abuse and the law, and ask for handouts when things got too sticky for him. Time and again people (including me) helped him, hoping that this guy who had so much potential would live up to it this time and turn his life around using their charity in the way of time, money, and energy as the springboard.
But in a vicious circle, all he did was use others, get in more trouble, and then come back with his hands out once again claiming hard times and blaming erroneous circumstances and other people for problems that he himself created. I haven’t talked to this guy in quite a while but I’m sure at this very moment he’s out there drinking his life away wondering where it all went when the answer looks back at him every time he’s in front of the mirror.
I am in no way saying that there are not people out there who have legitimately fallen on hard times. I KNOW that times are rough right now. I have another really good friend who’s had some difficult times himself. He hit me up for a small loan recently. But the difference between him and the other guy is that he’s motivated to do and achieve more and better things in his life. He knows the mistakes he’s made in life, hones up to them, and presses forward with a fresh resolve. These are the kinds of people I prefer to have in my life. The kind who appreciate help, use it to move forward and then can very possibly return the favor to you later on down the line when you may be the one down on your luck!
You may have noticed that I referred to the bum in my earlier story as a “loser”. That was no typo. He was a loser. Let me clarify that even further. If you are doing NOTHING to improve your life and are getting by solely by preying on the pity and good fortune of others, YOU ARE A LOSER. Wondering about the title of this article? This is what I’m referring to: Don’t be THAT guy! Don’t be a LOSER!
If your circumstances are bad don’t be afraid to ask somebody who is more fortunate than you for help, but also make sure that their help is not a waste! Any time somebody has helped me when I was down on my luck, I was personally so grateful that I would get fired up. I wanted to show this person that I appreciate them believing in me so much that their investment would not be in vain. Whether you think of it that way or not, that’s exactly what it is! Any time somebody thinks enough of you to help you with a favor, they are INVESTING in you. They are betting that you are going to take their help, come out strong and right the ship that is your life and be a better person for it. There is no greater insult to the people that care enough about you to help you out than to make a mistake, get into a troublesome predicament, then take their help for granted and go back to the behaviors that got you into trouble in the first place!
Once you do this too many times you start to become viewed as dead weight, and the people that were so generous and helped you before will become much more hesitant to help you again, if at all. I have watched it happen over time to my friend as I have witnessed it happen to many others. Where do you go when there’s no one left in your personal life to ask for help? My best guess would be to that median on the way into the city to play the numbers game. If you look pathetic enough to the right amount of good-willed and generous people, you are bound to scrape up just enough money to keep living your life as pathetically as you are content with, right? Don’t be THAT guy!
Here are a few points to take away from this article:
1. Live your life with character, motivation, and a true desire to get better and achieve what you want. Do not do just enough to scrape by, get into trouble, and then aimlessly beg for help from others that will be wasted.
2. If you do get into a tight spot, realize that it is completely by virtue of choices that you yourself made. Your being here right now is mostly if not completely, YOUR FAULT. Realizing that is a huge problem for most people. Take complete responsibility for your life right now. The good part of this is that you can take responsibility for the good things in your life as well. These are also because of actions you have taken. Think about how you got these results and try to apply the lessons to the troubled aspects of your life.
3. If you have to ask someone for help, let them know that their investment in you will not be in vain. Whatever strategy you had (or didn’t have) to get into that situation should change or stop altogether. Let the person you’re asking for help know that you know that you messed up, that you are really going to turn things around, and that you will be extremely grateful for their assistance. More importantly, MEAN what you are saying.
4. Once you have taken that person’s help, re-pay them somehow or at least try to. Help them in return, pay them back borrowed money, or just continue to show them how much their help really turned things around for you. Do not waste somebody else’s precious resources and then come back asking for more because you can’t or won’t change the way you do things.
I hope that for some of you this article has really opened your eyes. Every one of us has asked for help or given it at some point. If you are asking somebody for help over and over while doing nothing to become independent and help them in return, you are a waste of space on this planet. Either change by letting that person know you are worth the investment or at least have the dignity to spare your loved ones the burden of having to nurse an adult and take your begging ways elsewhere. If you are a person that is usually on the helping side of things, take a long hard look at yourself too. Is the same worthless friend or family member coming back to you over and over for the same self-perpetuated problems and expecting you to clean up the mess? It’s time to give them some tough love and cut the umbilical cord. Stop investing in those that don’t deserve your help and start investing in those that do. It’s a tough process but either this person will change enough so that they will become worthy of your help or they’ll flounder off to someone else in an attempt to drain their resources. Either way your life will become more enriched as a result.
I love the old saying, “If you give a man a fish, you feed him for a day. If you teach a man to fish, you feed him for a lifetime.” It’s about time that we start giving a little less, and teaching a little more.
